Veronique Darwin

I Lost My Dreams

In Dreams on September 25, 2012 at 9:21 am

Tonight I plan to post over my bed a sign to remind myself, in my dreams, to remember my dreams. Or to wake up and remember to write my dreams down. For the last five nights I have kept my journal under my pillow with a pen at a page titled Dreams. Though I have not written a word, I write this post with the clear and focused intention of trying to find the dreams I’ve lost.

I spent a year daydreaming and writing a novel, two inseparable activities. My dreams were a continuity of my life: nighttime variations with even less control. Now I am back at school and I go to bed tired and thinking of textbooks and I wake up to the sound of the morning news in French on my alarm clock. Sunday morning announced the impending threat of “La Troisième Guerre Mondiale.”

For three weeks now I have not remembered dreams. I actually ate more Brie than I should have eaten Saturday night with the intention of dreaming. Cheese is said to make you have crazy dreams. I remember one dream that night: I was running around naked in the back kitchen of my old workplace because I had a shower in the middle of my shift. I didn’t realize I was still in the middle of my shift and there were customers waiting for me. I’m not saying I have great dreams: common threads are I am late for something or I missed it entirely.

(I also dream about World War Three: caves and tragic partings with one fellow male guerrilla fighter).

One thing that dreams give me is a centre. I wake up and I know where I’ve been for the last 6-8 hours.

Another thing that dreams give me is an explanation for my mood. I wake up inevitably affected by my dreams. If I can’t remember them then I don’t know why I’m shaken. Dreams often make me wake up feeling nostalgic. But what is the feeling of nostalgia if I can’t remember the past I was dreaming about? A sinking feeling. A terrible pit.

I woke up this morning with that. I have no idea where it comes from. I’ve spent the past two hours thinking of my dream. I remember a person, but I’ve lost the mood. My dreams are just that, moods, and if I’ve lost my moods then what does that say about me in my daytime life?

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  1. “The sleeper is the proprietor of an unknown land.” from Nightwood by Djuna Barnes

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