Losing It and Keeping It

This year I made 15 more New Years resolutions than I usually do. This allowed for a lot of sidebar resolutions to sneak their way in, and for a lot of important resolutions to get lost in the mix. It also allowed for a lot of personal improvement.

At 20 days in, things are getting serious. It takes 21 days to form a habit. Tomorrow is the test: will I wake up and meditate? Will I write something every day?

A quote attributed to Rumi says that the first place you have to look in order to change is at what’s stopping you from changing:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

I figure, then, that by having examined all the places I need help, I have opened a path to change. That’s almost enough.

I’ve examined this: lately I feel like I’ve lost my writing, or my feeling of being a writer. I’ll spend hours or a whole day forgetting that I should be writing. Other things fill up space, they fill up time, if what’s important isn’t central. I need to make writing more pillar-like, more in-my-face. How can I do that?

If I carry an open notebook with me everywhere.

If I introduce myself as a writer first and a student/teacher second.

If I speak in rhymes and sing always in poetry.

If I distance myself and look at you like a character.

If I realize writing is all around me.

If I see the beauty in this very moment, and the last.

If I promise to devote myself to my craft.

If I remember that writing doesn’t always just mean writing.

Paying attention might become all that matters, in the moments when I don’t have the time to give as much as I can to writing. When my book needs to sit, when my mind needs to rest. I need to pay attention to the fact that writing is all around me, is a part of who I am, and that not writing on the 19th day doesn’t mean I won’t on the 21st. And that maybe 365 days into this year, writing every day will be an unthinkable thing not to do.

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